Borrowed Strength

August 26, 2013

Mom, SO not fair for making me cry like a baby in a national public library. I know i am so loved by you, and i feel your prayers. I truly truly do!

 

This week has been insane. We are so so busy all of the time. In weekly planning, we basically have to put some of our appointments and people to stop and see in the next week because we truly have ZERO time. It is one of the greatest tender mercies ever. The poor elders.... They tract 3 hours a day at least, so we have given them a couple of our investigators and some of our area in Chelsea to tract. They are getting pretty down on themselves, because they feel like they have no success when it comes to numbers whereas us sisters make up our districts numbers. I learned a hard principle last transfer. It is NOT about the numbers. It is about trying. So, to all of you prospect elders and sisters. Learn that now. If you give your all, that is all that matters. The Lord recognizes our efforts and He will bless us accordingly whether it be with people to teach, or in some other way. It doesn't matter. We just need to do what we can to our best abilities.

 

This week is also going to be another insane one. We are booked to the brim and will have to do a lot of our work over the phone when we are traveling in between. I'm a stress case when i feel overwhelmed with all that needs to get done, but surprisingly i have not reached my limit yet! The Lord is seriously watching out for me. We have our big fair booth this Saturday. Our booth is the FIRST one in the main entrance gate... where at least 55,000 people are expected to walk in by. Can you say miracles? The whole story of how we ended up with the booth.... and how we got our location is a miracle itself. We have recruited our ward members and about 20 other missionaries to come help us from the area. The work is hastening and it is incredible to see the Lords hand so intricately in all the work.

 

One miracle from this week was yesterday. All i wanted to do was crawl in bed and cut off my head and stomach, but we just had so much to do. I got on my knees, prayed for Heavenly Father to lend me some of his strength, ended my prayer and not a moment after i opened my eyes i felt His strength enter into my body. My head was manageable, i started to think clearly, and i wasn't as nauseated. We went into our first lesson, and it went unreal. The spirit was so present, and Cassie was thanking us the whole time. (It was our first lesson with her). Our next lesson went the same. We read 3 Nephi 18 when Christ was instituting the Sacrament, and i gained so many new and interesting insights, one of them being when Christ mentioned He was going to finish up, and then He had to go so He could finish up the commandments God gave him. Jesus became so much more personal to me in that moment. He too has a purpose and commandments that He must fulfill. His life isn't just one that is a "i'll just do whatever because i am perfect" His life has been guided and our father still has things for Him to accomplish. Sure we all have the 12 commandments, but we also have our own commandments God gives us each and every day personally and so does Jesus. I don't think im making my brain clear, but just know I love Jesus. He is sure great. We had a member with us, and she testified on one of the verses. I remember thinking oh, that's a lovely verse and then my mind carried on. Later, we were at a meal appointment and the wife was telling us about how she has been struggling recognizing if she is getting answers. We then left a blessing on their home, and in the prayer my mind was taken to that verse that Sister Harrington had pointed out. We said amen, and then i quickly turned the pages to that verse and read it to them. I am so grateful for the spirit. I am grateful that Sister Harrington was in tune enough to open her mouth about that verse so that i could share it with someone who needed it at that time. The Lord DOES work in mysterious ways, but not matter how He works, He always makes sure His will will come about.

 

I love this work. I have never been so happy in my life. I reflect on each day and am amazed at how crazy my life is each day. I reflect on my physical health and am just left in shock at how much borrowed strength i have. The Lord has a plan for me to fulfill, and i know He would never just leave me hanging, trying to figure out how to accomplish the impossible on my own. He makes all things possible, even if we don't see a way right then. We just have to rely on our faith that His will will be made known, and the how in all of it will come about too. I am grateful once again that my Savior has chosen me to be His representative in Chelsea, Augusta,and Windsor Maine. I am one blessed girl. Life is so dang hard and every moment has its own battles, but i promise, if we seek the blessings and the beauty in all the hard things, we will find them. They will be clear.

 

Love,

Sister Cloward

The woman in the middle is one of my favorite ladies ever. her name is maria austin, and she is the most selfless woman in the world.

the view of augusta from the old criminally insane unit grounds!

 

 

i chopped my hair. and i love this woman. great day.

sister casorie has a "cm punk" obsession. i dont think i have ever laughed so hard in my life than on this night.

 

andddd another picture from the criminally insane grounds. creepiest place ever. oh maine...

Mangled and Bruised

Dearest Everyone!

 

Where do i even begin... All i know is time doesn't exist. It seriously does not exist when you are serving the Lord. Sometimes i feel like i am on His time. I must be... cause it just goes and goes. I am grateful for that tender mercy, and also not so happy about it either.

 

Mom, you want to know more about my companion eh?? Sister Wray and i are very much alike, and so opposite. She is stubborn, she is strong, she is bold, she is beautiful, she so dang quiet and she is hurting. So now, i am going to plead with you all. Please pray for her. Sister Wray dealt with an addiction for many many many years. She has been beated down and she truly feels like she is broken. Yesterday we were coordinating with the elders and she just lost it and asked for a blessing. Afterwards she opened up a great deal more on so many things that have happened in her life. All i could do was listen, and pray. She was the only thing stopping me from forcing her in the car and taking the 3 hour drive to our mission home so she could get a blessing from President Stoker. Ahhh my heart just aches. BUT. Her strength is unreal. She truly is like one step behind me in life on this mission. I learned last transfer that i am not superwoman. I learned i do have limitations, and that those limitations need to be addressed, which then allowed me humility. She is learning that humility right now, but unfortunately her wounds may take a lot longer to heal. It's been one of those surreal situations watching someone brake and seeing the Atonement SO PRESENT. I am so blessed to be HER companion. We are quite the companionship and oh how i love her. One thing that Heavenly Father has helped me understand is that the greatest missionary work i am doing right now is that of strengthening. I am a sower, and who cares if i never reap. I am a garndener, nourishing members and my companions. Each time before i knew my companion, my mission president has called me to tell me that the Lord is placing someone in my care, who needs ME. I wish i could express how i feel, how grateful i am that the Lord trusts me to strengthen not only the weak, but TO STRENGTHEN THE STRONG. I know i am a blessed daughter of God, for it is so visible in my life.

 

We had our zone conference this past week, and what President Stoker emphasized was working with members, and getting to know our members. Asking them questions about them, and really allowing them to be our best friends. Through that, we gain their trust and we gain the ability to strengthen them and for them to see their purpose and the importance of missionary work and boy does it work. After the broadcast about member missionarys, our ward in augusta is the only ward who is actively doing those things, and i can boldly say that is because we are taking the time to get to know the members. They are seriously my brothers and sisters, and my mom and dads! One of our members refers to his wife as "mom" for me, how great is that haha. Ah i just love this area. President Stoker is one inspired man, i can tell you that.

 

Another thing that has really touched me this week is the ability we have to make any place holy. We are asked to stand in holy places at ALL times, so of course Heavenly Father will provide a way for us to do so. That is simply done by us being an example everywhere. It is done by having a prayer in our heart everywhere. It is done by reading, serving, and being a disciple at all times and in all places. Choose to make your homes, your apartments, your cars, your work space, your classrooms, everywhere to be holy. Stand with Christ everywhere, and i know and promise blessings will pour.

 

So Ken, mom. you HAD to ask about him. My pour heart cant even take it. I havent seen him at all this week. He is "all set" right now. Did you ever get a letter from him? He wont tell me what he is saying to you... but i am super curious to know. Send me a copy of the letter please!!

 

Eliza is seriously incredible. She calls once a day to ask us questions, and is always asking us how we study and how she can be more effective in it. UHHH what? Our last lesson was a little distracting because jon one of the guys in the mental institution was having an episode. I yelled out this is madness and she just started busting up laughing and said "yep. everyday" ELIZA LAUGHED!!! my heart was so happy. I just love seeing the joy and the beauty of this work.

 

Mo is so excited for her baptism and is really working hard at doing the right thing at all times. What an example she is to me!

 

We have a new investigator, his names Dave. More on him later.

 

I just want to end though with my simple testimony of the Atonement. Gosh, it is real. Is is so real and raw. We go through life constantly being tested and beaten and thrashed and broken. At the end of my life, i know i will look as though i am a bike that has just been ran over. I will be mangled and bruised. Heck, i am mangled and i am bruised. But that is where the beauty lies. God doesnt want us returning to Him brand new and barely used. We are to go through life experiencing. We are to go through life enduring. And we are to go through life relying on HIM to get us through the next day until we are at our last, when our Savior will then allow us to become whole again. I love this gospel. It is real. I love this church and the analogy of it to a hospital. We are all broken and we are all seeking to be healed, and in the gospel is where we find refuge to go another day.

 

With all my love,

Sister Cloward

we gave a fireside last night on missionary work, and these are two of our finest members who attended. Brother mcnaughton and his son brian. total mainers

 

 

i dont even know this elders name, but everytime i see him i think colton is serving in my area. not cool

 

i made her take off her shoes for a week so we could win cleanest car award.. no shame

"Hope on, journey on"

First and foremost,

 

HAPPY 27 TO YOU DALLAN!!!!

 

What a beautiful day it has been, reflecting on the past almost 21 years of my life with the worlds greatest older brother. Dallan, you have brought such a pure love into my life. You have lifted me so many times, especially here on my mission. I am so grateful that i get to be your legs and voice, serving the Lord full time and i truly feel your strength. I do, and i will never be able to deny nor forget it.  Happy birthday to the happiest boy in the world. Know that your little sister LOVES you, prays for you, and relies on you so very much!

 

And now, about my week!

 

Well unfortunately, i was super super sick. The elders tried quarantining me all week, but that didnt even last a few hours. When there is work to be done, you just gotta forget yourself and go and do (while also taking breaks). This week was incredibly hard and i swear i have probably 3 new wrinkles and a zillion gray hairs but the joy and the blessings and the change in my heart has definately been worth it. It always is worth it.

 

So, Ken was just in a really rough spot. He was being super prideful and wasnt opening up his heart to listen, and i was already so worried because we hadnt heard from him for days, and the last time we talked he called to cancel because he wasnt doing so good. We called everyday to check up on him, and his sister said she hadnt seen him in days. Well, Ken doesnt drive, and he walks with a cane. He also doesnt have a phone, and he was also pretty hurt inside and out, so of course me being the crazy worrier that i am, i assumed he was dead. I prayed so dang hard for days, and then i was so sick i had to send the elders to go try and find him. FINALLY they got ahold of him, and i guess things went downhill. So the next day, we met up with him and he just goes off. I cut him off and just start baring my testimony, the spirit was so strong i just broke down and was crying and he totally stopped and got all soft and said stop crying, you cant do that to me stop! Sister wray took over and just said ken, we cry when we feel the spirit, and if you only knew how worried sister cloward has been for you. He finally understood. It was like Christ Himself was in the room, preaching to Ken Himself, that's how big of a change we saw in Ken in a few moments. We boldly testified of the gospel, and he listened, felt, and understood. At the end, he showed me a coin. He said on Saturday this coin will be on its way to Arizona, to you mom. On the coin both sides it has an angel, and he finally told me why He was so shocked the first time we came knocking into him. I guess i look just like his daughter, and act like her too. He said he could never have turned us away, because he saw her in me so strong that it could not have been a coincidence. Wow does the Lord work in mysterious ways or what... So, after a million phone calls of asking us if the baptism was still on, me and S. Wray both on our own felt like the Lord wanted it to happen.

 

And boy am i glad it did. His sister came, and for one the spirit was unreal, and two, she just may be the next member in the augusta ward. She was always super anti mormon and gave ken a hard time, but as soon as ken came up from being immersed, she ran to the font, grabbed onto the bars and knelt down and then tried to throw herself into the font to hug him, sobbing. The spirit was THAT powerful. While Ken was getting dressed, i talked to her and just held her, and she just kept saying "if you only knew the hell he has been through.. if you only knew. he is finally happy and i can see why!"

 

And then last night. Wow. We had dinner at the Maschino's, and Ken came with. I have never seen him so happy. So pure, so rich, and so vibrantly shining with SO much happiness. The light of Christ was unreal. I have never laughed so hard in my life, and wanted to cry with so many happy tears before. It was just unreal. I have finally seen the power of conversion from start to finish (but not finished... still gotta get him to the temple and endure every day!) I am one happy sister.

 

I also have felt my heart changing. The Lord is challening me, and He is shaping me. I am becoming His masterpiece. The work is hastening here in Augusta, and it isnt just hastening with the unbelievers. It is hastening within me.

 

I love this work, it is brutally hard. It is immensely painful. But the work is worth it. I am being ever so blessed as i "hope on, journey on".

 

Thank you for all the love, thoughts and prayers. They are pushing me through.

 

Sister Cloward

one of our investigators daughters lily! cutest thing ever.

 

yepp. i made them trump cards.

 

sister hovance!! ahhh i love this woman. she is moving to the damariscotta branch. not liking it.

 

Life is beautiful despite the struggles...

Ya know, it never ceases to amaze me how well the Lord knows me. Tuesday i went to transfer meeting with so many emotions, not knowing who my new companion would be and if i made the best decision for serving people by staying. At transfer meeting, they didnt announce me or my new companion, so i just stood there like shoot! Maybe i am suppose to go home? Hahah super awkward but nonetheless things got situated and my new companion is Sister Wray from American Fork Utah! Oh i just love her to bits and pieces. She's in her second transfer, so thankfully training her has been a piece of cake. She has one of the most beautiful testimonies of the Atonement, because she has had to rely on it and apply it so valuably in her life. I wish i could share her story, but it's not mine to share. She is a sassy and stubborn one so us two together is pretty funny but i have learned a great deal of humility lately, so we haven't had any disagreements of bad experiences yet. The Lord really knew we needed each other. At transfer meeting, i asked President Stoker for a blessing, so that was her first experience of getting to know me. His blessing was so beautiful. He talked a lot about my patriarchal blessing, and blessings that my stake president spoke of (of being healed) and that they will come about. He spoke of the friendships i am creating now that are eternal ones. He said that every prayer being spoken in my behalf with be answered, that i am literally answering peoples prayers. He told me that the hours i give in a day will be sufficient and successful and that the Lord will bless me with putting people in front of me. He blessed me that i will touch and change the lives of thousands. He told me that i will be in tune with my body, and knowing what i need. He then talked about my future... being a powerful mother in zion and an even powerful wife, neighbor, and missionary in my everyday life, that missionary work will always be a big part of my life. There were so many other incredible things spoken but im a space brain and cant remember. Nonetheless, it was exactly what i needed to hear, and exactly what i needed to put into practice. I have truly felt the presence of angels. He told me that i am a miracle, and i know it to be true. I'm still just amazed at how far i have come in life in the past 5 years... What Heavenly Father has thrown at me and what Jesus Christ has helped me battle, and conquer. Miracles occuring on my own behalf was not something i expected to experience daily on a mission to serve others, but they are, and they are because they are in turn blessing other people. I seriously feel like i am the happiest person in the world right now. And after this week of battles... that statement itself proves there is a God.

 

So ready for the week?

One, i had the stomach flu for 3 days, (and yes, mom, i did rest a little bit each day)

Two, one of our investigators is in a mental institution... but she is so dang solid. she is so eager to learn. But yesterday we found out why she is there. She got mad at her boyfriend, so she made a bomb and blew up his car. Needless to say, i wont be getting her mad!

Three, we stopped at Ken's for a surprise visit and caught him smoking. He kinda hid it, but i saw it.At the end of the lesson (which the spirit told us to quickly get out of there) he said he wanted to speak to me privately, and he told me that he had been prescribed medical marijuana because his pain patches arent working anymore... and that he is so embarrassed he doesnt even want his kids to know. So, we went straight to our knees and prayed so hard to know what to do... We were prepared for a major lesson the next day on addiction and what not and knowing Ken, the lesson would NOT have been received well (yes, he wants to follow christ so bad, but he is one prideful and stubborn person!) Well, turns out if it's prescribed, they can still get baptized (however that did not ease my worries!) So the next day on the way to his place, he called and said today wasnt a good day, and i stopped him and said now tell me right now, was that a cigarette or marijuana, and he said marijuana and was shocked we couldnt smell it... so the baptism is still on for now. We'll see how it plays out... just pray extra extra hard for me and sister wray to know what to do! We need a miracle with him.

Four, Saturday i challenged Sister Dawbin to pray for a missionary opportunity, shortly after we left their home, an old friend called her and said i miss the feeling i have when im around your family and i know your church is a big part of your life, i want to get baptized, i'll be at church tomorrow! MIRACLE!!! except she didnt come to church... ahhh people!

Five, we have been working with a LA who is wanting to work towards the temple, well after telling us she doesnt smoke and what not... we caught her smoking too. But she came to all 3 hours of church!!! Progress!

 

 

That basically sums my week, i think. We taught a lot of people on the street, and had a lot of unplanned service opportunities. The Lord seriously is placing everyone in my path and helping me see that if  i rely on Him, He will provide. The biggest miracle of the week though is just Sister Wray. I prayed so hard for a companion that saw the importance of relying on the spirit, and she sure does. She was a problem child in her last 2 areas (she got emergency transferred) but we just love each other so very much and our Lord and i'm trying to set the example of obedience so that there wont be any problems here! Im seriously so glad she likes me, she's like you Mikenna! She thinks im the weirdest person in the world cause i sing everything to her, but eh she'll get over it.

 

Mom, you asked me what i want for my birthday, yes you asked a tad bit early didnt you! But! I know what i want! EVERYONE WHO IS READING THIS. You are now being held accountable to follow through on my request, so if you dont want to be held accountable, stop reading. But, for my birthday, i want each and every one of you who is reading this to find your nearest missionary and do two things. One, ask them for a copy of a Book of Mormon, write your testimony in it, and then send it to me. I want sincere testimonies in the copies i give out here to the New Englanders. I feel strongly that your voices need to be heard by the people i meet! So please do it! and Two, pray about a name you can give to your local missionaries!!! Then ill have the best birthday ever! And mom, a GPS would also be nice for a birthday gift... Or just some homemade rolls.

 

Well, im happy. Im happy i decided to stay, because i know the Lord wants me here. This mission is so dang hard. People are so hard and physically i am running on the Lord's energy, but IT IS SO WORTH IT. I'm taking this mission not one day at a time, but one moment at a time, and being in tune with my body has helped me get through some of the hardest moments. But i have been given so so so many crazy blessings and promises, that i would be a fool not to take advantage of them by simple doing my part in serving the Lord here in Augustar, Maine.

 

Life is beautiful despite the struggles. We've just got to seek the beauty.

 

Love!!! Sister Cloward

im in heaven with all the snakes i find!!

 

sister berg and i!

 

bet youd like to know what i was doing with a cat and a blow dryer...